


Struggle

by TsingaDark



Series: Lost Inside My Mind [3]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Depression, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Parent-Child Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-17
Updated: 2017-02-17
Packaged: 2018-09-25 03:11:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9800246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TsingaDark/pseuds/TsingaDark
Summary: Sometimes parents are not who you think they are. Sometimes parents don’t react the way you think. Sometimes they disappoint you in the most crucial moments.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I didn't plan to make this a series but here we go (writing can be very therapeutic for me sometimes so there might be more fics coming in this series at some point in the future, who knows)
> 
> As with the last one, please remember that this is fiction. I don't claim Dan's mum to be like this or that I know her, and this is only one in hundreds of ways a parent can react, so please keep that in mind. Also, despite the negative way Dan's mum is portrayed in this, it's important to keep in mind that there's always two sides to everything and it helps to try and understand why the other person reacted the way they did (which this fic does not go into detail about at all, but I just wanted to point it out). 
> 
> With that being said, I quickly want to thank _keeplovinanyway_ who encouraged me to post this, it means a lot :) I'm still wary about posting this, but I promised myself last year that I'd upload everything even if I'm not hundred percent happy with it, so

Sometimes parents are not who you think they are. Sometimes parents don’t react the way you think. Sometimes they disappoint you in the most crucial moments. 

For Dan, none of those things apply. He knows his parents, knows their reactions to almost everything, knows that he’s a big fucking disappointment to them. And still, sometimes he wishes they wouldn’t meet his expectations, wouldn’t react the way he knows them to, wouldn’t let him know all the time that he’s not who they want him to be. 

In a way he’s used to it by now, tries not to let it affect him the way it used to, but sometimes they make it really difficult for him, like they’re testing his limits, to see when he will break. Of course, he knows that that’s not his parent’s intent. They love him, he’s their son after all, but they have a strange way of showing it sometimes.

He’s sitting on the sofa, Phil currently in the kitchen making coffee, while he’s on the phone to his mother. Her voice chatters away at his ear and he’s only half listening to the story she’s telling about his dad’s latest kitchen disaster, but then the conversation steers into a different direction and his mother is asking him when he will visit again.

“I’m not sure,” he says slowly, shortly thinking about telling her the truth, that he can’t bear the thought of going back and pretending that everything is normal, pretending to be someone he’s not. He knows she will never understand the way he feels, hadn’t back when he’d been living at his parent’s place. She’d never even noticed that anything had been amiss, that he’d slowly changed into a mindset that’s still plaguing him today. He wants to tell her that he can’t go back to a place that make bad memories resurface and old habits reappear, but he can’t even tell her about what’s going on right now, so he doesn’t elaborate, just swallows down all the words that he so desperately wants to say.

“You’re not even trying,” his mother says in response.

It’s such an offhand comment, tinged with accusation and annoyance, but it’s something that Dan’s used to, and still, suddenly there’s anger bubbling up inside him and tears forming in his eyes and the words come tumbling out of his mouth before he’s properly thought about them.

“You’ve no idea how much I’m trying!” he says hotly, not talking about visiting at all. All the emotions he’d repressed, everything that he’s been working on letting go is attacking him anew, making him want to fling the phone across the room into the wall, to hit something repeatedly until he bleeds so much that he’s forced to stop.

“Really,” his mother says, her tone unbelieving and if she were in front of him right now, she’d give him this  _ look _ that meant  _ we both know you’re lying to me Daniel _ .

Dan wants to shout, he wants to cry, he wants her to stop and be the mum he needs right now, the mum that will support him and tell him that everything will be okay, like mums are supposed to. Instead, he makes another mistake, because he’s emotional and he’s high-strung and he doesn’t know when to stop. 

“I’m fucking depressed, okay,” he all but yells, the words coming out harsh and hurt and he immediately wants to take them back, to bury them deep where they came from, but it’s too late.

“Since when have you been depressed?” she asks after a beat of silence, and instead of the softness Dan might have hoped for the tone of her voice is cold and almost as harsh as Dan’s. 

Dan just wants to cry, he doesn’t want to answer, doesn’t want this conversation that’s managed to remind him again how useless he is and how little his mother actually cares about him. And for some bizarre reason he still doesn’t want to hurt her, doesn’t want her to know that she’s never noticed his true feelings, not even when he’d still been living at home. 

“A while,” he replies, suddenly feeling much younger than he actually is as he pulls his legs up so he can wrap his free arm around them. He’s distantly aware that he’s shivering but he can’t focus on anything else than his mother’s breathing on the other side of the phone.

“Why do you never say anything?” she says then, not asking him to specify and instead accusing him, and all Dan can think is  _ this is why, this is exactly why I don’t tell you things anymore _ .

He doesn’t say that, doesn’t say anything at all for a few seconds. He’s desperately trying not to cry, not to let her words affect him but she’s his mother and he takes her words to heart no matter how many times he’s been reminded that he really shouldn’t. 

“It’s fine,” he says, trying to convince himself as much as her, “I’m dealing with it.” He doesn’t answer her, can’t tell her the actual reason for his behaviour because he simply doesn’t want to. 

“Not talking about it won’t make it better,” his mother says, like she knows better what Dan’s dealing with, like she knows what’s been going in Dan’s life, like he’s  _ supposed  _ to tell her when she doesn’t even listen. 

He’s still angry but he’s hurt by her words more than he can say, more than he wants to be. Someone that doesn’t think about their words and how they could affect others should not make him feel this way. But he still can’t help all the mean and harsh things that have been piling up over the years, all the things he’s wanted to say but never did, to be at the forefront of his mind.

He knows that nothing he says now will make this situation any better, will make her realise what she’s done or even understand what he’s going through, so he doesn’t even try. 

“I know, mum. I’ve got to go now, bye,” he presses the words out and hastily hangs up, the phone immediately slipping out of his grasp and onto the sofa cushion next to him. He buries his head between his knees, his other arm coming up to hug them to his chest, and this time he can’t stop the tears from running over his cheeks, his emotions spilling out of the box he’d carefully pressed them into over the last few years.

He almost startles when arms come up around him and he’s being pulled to Phil’s chest but he doesn’t stop him, just lets himself be guided. He hadn’t even noticed Phil coming back, but then Phil makes soothing sounds and pets his hair and Dan full on starts sobbing, not able to stop himself even if he wanted to. He’s so  _ hurt  _ and feels so betrayed by something that he saw coming, something he brought onto himself, something that shouldn’t be added to the pile of  _ regrets self-hatred mistakes _ on his shoulders. 

He doesn’t know how long he cries, just knows that he feels heavy and sluggish when he finally stops and that he immediately regrets his break down. He’d been doing so well, had actually felt better for a bit and now he’s gone and ruined all of that. 

“She’s wrong, you know,” Phil says suddenly just as Dan’s pulling away and he looks at Phil. There’s a sort of pained expression on his face but Dan can also see anger and determination and for a moment he’s shocked because Phil is never truly angry.

“I-” he starts but cuts himself off. He knows that whatever self-depreciating thing was about to come out of his mouth would only hurt Phil and probably make him even more angry.

“She’s wrong,” Phil insists, his voice firm and not leaving room for argument. “She doesn’t understand what you’re going through and tries to take it out on you. But you’re stronger than she is, stronger than you give yourself credit for. And if she can’t see that then it’s her loss.” With those words Phil grasps his hand, letting their fingers intertwine while his other arm is still wrapped around Dan, not letting him go.

Dan just nods, not sure if he should say something or if there’s even anything he  _ could  _ say. He has a hard time believing himself sometimes, will rather give in to the idea of himself being the mistake, the failure, than someone else being at fault. But this is  _ Phil _ , who’s been with him despite his struggles, who hasn’t given him up, who will always tell him the truth and whose opinion will matter more to him than anyone else’s.

“You’re the strongest person I know,” Phil says, squeezing him to cement his words.

“Yeah,” Dan says eventually, hearing the lack of conviction in his voice because knowing that Phil says the truth and being able to actually believe his words are two different things that Dan has a hard time to fuse together. But it’s a start. It’s a step in the right direction, realising that sometimes even parents can say wrong things, words that hurt deeply but aren’t  _ right  _ and never will be. Sometimes parents don’t know how to behave in the correct way, sometimes they treat their children in the worst way possible even though they should know better, even though they are grown up and by all means should be mature and think about the effect they are having on their children. With time Dan will understand that and he will seek approval from people who actually care and especially care about not hurting him when he’s already on the ground. It’s a long way to go but this is a start. 


End file.
